FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
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