I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
