so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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