We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
I need to stop coming to work sober
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
