your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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