Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Randomize
