this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize