Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize