I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I'm jealous of your bromance
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
