omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Randomize
