hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Randomize
