for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize