What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Randomize
