My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
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