Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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