i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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