You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Randomize
