Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
