A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Randomize
