Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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