can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
