I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I love you. Go after that dick
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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