____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Go christen that room with your naked body.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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