I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
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