I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Randomize
