Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
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