Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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