so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
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