I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Randomize
