do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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