I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize