i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
