I CAN MOONWALK!
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
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