How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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