I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Randomize
