i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
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