If i could tip my vagina, i would.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize