I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize