Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Don't make out with my wife yet
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
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