She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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