u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
