At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
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