I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
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