it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
