remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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