When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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