the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
