oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
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