oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
