How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Randomize
