the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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