He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
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