toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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