This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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