he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
