you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
