after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
