i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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